By LACEY GATTIS
The Karl Lagerfeld Diet
We knew that Karl Lagerfeld adores Diet Coke, has lost the equivalent of a preteen in pounds, and once said something to the effect of âDieting is the only game where you win when you lose,â but we didnât realize that’s actually exactly what he said in The Karl Lagerfeld Diet, the BOOK he wrote with his personal dietician, Dr. Jean-Claude Houdret. We also didnât know said book wouldn’t be batshit crazy, though we did figure it would be full of bon mots like âThe greatest moment in life for a man is when he is getting dressed in the morning and puts on a clean, well-ironed shirt,â and âWhen I dance, I feel like my whole body is rubber,â which it is.
So while we wait for Thursday’s fall cornucopia of feasting (*pumpkin pies on pies on pies*), we decided to do our future selves a favor and get a leg up on the inevitable post-Thanksgiving âdietâ/ return to normalcy. It being the holidays and all, we thought we’d share the Kaiser’s good fortune with you good people, too. Here, Karl’s thoughts on his meal plan (don’t worry, there’s pasta!) and dieting in general.
Who this book is for:
âIf not being able to wear new, trendy small-sized clothes does not cause you any regret, this book is not for you.â
Why diet?:
âIf you are lucky enough not to need to go on a diet for [health] reasons, there is nothing to stop you from pretending to others that health is indeed your motivation.”
âThis is a question of your own happinessâothers come or donât come later… [Itâs about] putting distance between yourself and somebody you no longer love, with whom you no longer wish to share a body.â
âBeautyâor the desire to be beautifulâis in itself a dangerous motivation. Someone (I forgot who) once said, âDoes the person who loves someone for their beauty really love them?â So donât focus on beauty … a respectable appearance is sufficient to make people more interested in your soul. It is the sum of our experiences that makes us interesting, and having been through a time in your life in which you were in a bad place (or what you perceived as a bad place) physically, can be useful. It can even be necessary.â
If not for yourself, do it for the clothes:
â[I went on a diet because] I wanted to wear clothes designed by Hedi Slimane … I wanted to be a good clotheshorse.â OK, Karl, weget it.
âFashion is the healthiest motivation for losing weight.â
âThere is nothing worse than looking longingly at clothes that you would like to wear but that are definitely too tight for you.â
â[My father] used to say that if you arrived at the office well dressed, half the work was done.â
The keys to the Clotheshorse Kingdom:
âStart your diet during a period of optimism and happiness.â
“[You will lose weight] not by hard work, but by iron discipline.â
âThe little rituals are essential.â
Have realistic ambitions:
âAt my age, I donât need to be a sexy bundle of muscles, thank you very much.â
âDonât expect immediate results. There is no hurry. You have no deadline for a new life!â
Stay positive:
âI never doubted the results for a moment, even when they were slow in making themselves evident.”
How to deal:
âTreat the cleansing isolation that a rigorous diet entails as an interesting experience.â
âDonât talk about it too much. Oneâs diet is as boring a subject as oneâs illness.â
âTell yourself that [the diet] is essentialâeven if it isnât. Take things seriouslyâbut without making them all-important. Thatâs why you succeedâbecause it isnât really important. You donât have to lose weight, you want to.â
No pain, no gain loss.
âIt has to be a sort of punishment.â
Exercise?:Â
âYes, but only fifteen minutes three times a week.â
How to eat:
âWhen you are on a diet, you need to stay at home as much as possible. Breakfast at eight, lunch at one, and dinner at eight. Thatâs very important. And during the diet itâs essential not to eat anything between meals.â
And donât skimp on that Thanksgiving dinner
“Itâs like people who are waiting for the electric chair or the guillotineâthey get a good meal beforehand.â
After you’ve read all about the diet, enjoy the additional chapters on Karl’s life, thoughts on skincare, cosmetic surgery, stress management, sleep, exercise, how to quit smoking, surprisingly mouthwatering recipes (with kind of insane photos and illustrations, right?), and accompanying poster. Soon you too will be able to say, âToday, itâs as if Iâm made of wood. You can pinch me anywhere but you wonât get hold of any flesh.â