The desire of children to prove their parents wrong is a normal and healthy aspect of their development. It is a sign of their growing independence, self-discovery, and the pursuit of individual identity. While it may lead to occasional conflicts and disagreements, it is also an essential part of preparing children for adulthood. As parents, understanding this process and supporting their children in their journey towards independence and self-discovery is crucial for a harmonious parent-child relationship. It is through these challenges and growth opportunities that children mature into well-rounded individuals capable of making informed decisions and facing the world with confidence.
“I’m Right and You’re Wrong!” Is Your Child a Know-It-All?
By James Lehman, MSW
Before I give you ideas for dealing with this behavior, I want to make one thing clear: as kids grow, they need to develop their interests and ideas, and they need to learn how to express them. They also have to learn where they end emotionally and where their parents begin—what we call emotional boundaries.
At different developmental periods, kids go through a process called separation and individuation. Sometimes this process is barely noticeable, and sometimes it’s intense. As a child or teen matures, they continue that process by learning how to form their own opinions. Thus, some of the behavior you’re experiencing with your child is completely normal.
I also can’t stress enough the importance of listening to your child initially. I know they can be irritating sometimes, but remember, they might be stating an opinion about something you need to know about. It might be something the teacher is doing that may be inappropriate, a dangerous thing the bus driver is doing, or a risky behavior on the part of your child’s friends. Listen to your kids with an open mind because when something important does come along, you want to make sure they feel free to bring it to you.
Nevertheless, suppose your child asserts their opinion, crosses the line, and becomes obnoxious. In that case, there are things you can do to help curtail that behavior and teach them socially appropriate ways of behaving, both inside and outside of the home.
Don’t Be Frightened by Your Child’s Opinions
Do not be frightened by kids’ opinions; just respond honestly. I think judging your child by their behavior is more effective than judging them by their opinions, thoughts, or ideas. Often their ideas come from peers at school, rumors, cultural events, or something they’ve seen or heard in the media.
When your child or teen is talking to you, they’re often trying to shape their own opinions. It’s better to hear your child out, state your opinion honestly, let them respond, and then respectfully disengage from the conversation. That way, nobody gets hurt, and you’ve avoided an argument.
So don’t be threatened by your child’s opinions and assertions, even if they’re wrong. The more you ignore these statements, the sooner they will go away. Indeed, if you want a child to be a real pain in the neck—if you want to strengthen some behavior or characteristic—then continue to argue with them because arguing makes your child feel more powerful.
Don’t Keep the Argument Going
If your child is trying to start an argument with you, don’t keep it going. Parents often feel like they have to get the last word in to be in control, which only furthers the child’s urge to argue with them.
If you disagree with your adolescent child, they often think it’s because you don’t understand what they’re saying, so they’ll keep trying to put it another way. They think that if they could explain it better, you’d understand and accept it, which is another reason why arguments with kids can keep going even after you’ve explained your point of view.
Arguing Gives Your Child a Feeling of Control
If your child tends to be argumentative and you stay in the argument with them, it makes them feel more powerful and in control. Don’t forget: kids only have the power you give them. Some of the power they need to have is important—it helps them develop their personal and social lives. In fact, it’s important that they gain increasing access to power as they grow older and individuate more.
But, when it comes to discussing house rules or consequences or privileges, I think that after they state their opinion, you say:
“I understand your opinion, but the rule is not changing. This is the way it is.”
And then leave. If you stand there, they think it’s OK to keep talking. When you get out of the situation, it takes the power out of the room.
Disengage When Your Child Continues to Argue
One of the most powerful things you can do with kids who are know-it-alls is to not respond to them when they try to drag you into an argument. Be respectful, but disengage. And know that each time you respond, they feel compelled to answer back, and the discussion will just keep going.
When your child has come up with some erroneous statement in an attempt to prove their point, the best thing you can do is state your opinion honestly. When they state their counter-opinion, you can say:
“That’s interesting. I have to go downstairs now.”
Of course, you can change a household rule, but don’t make the change just because your child doesn’t like the rule. As the parent in the household, it’s up to you to set the rules, and your child doesn’t have to like them. Setting limits is your job, and testing limits is what kids naturally do.
Don’t Let One Child Ruin It for Everybody
If family members are having dinner or watching a movie together at home, don’t let one child dominate the conversation so that it blocks everyone else from expressing their opinions. It’s important to understand that while everyone’s opinion is valued, it’s usually valued once. After that, it becomes obnoxious.
If one of your children doesn’t like what you’re having for dinner or doesn’t care for the movie choice, give them their options and don’t let them sit there and continue to annoy everyone with their negativity. Always have a backup plan. This usually includes having them go to their room until they can let go of the topic or complaint they’re stuck on.
Your backup plan doesn’t have to be a punishment or consequence. It’s just a time out for your child in their room until they can get off the subject. Often, when kids are over-stimulated, anxious, or frustrated, it’s hard for them to switch thoughts on their own. A change of scenery and a few minutes away from the stimulation can be helpful.
Use Cues
Many parents of children who act in an overbearing way find it effective to devise a cuing system with their child to signal that they’re “doing it again.” You and your child should agree on a signal, like a cue in a movie or play. The gesture means:
“You need to stop it now. You’ve stated your opinion, and you need to let it go. If you go further, there are going to be consequences.”
Many parents find this an effective non-verbal tool for helping their children curtail inappropriate behavior without embarrassing them in front of others.
When Your Child Won’t Let Their Siblings Express Themselves
If your child won’t let his siblings express themselves, or will not listen to their opinions, what I would recommend is that you say the following:
“Jack, you aren’t listening to others. How can you keep arguing your position when you won’t even listen to your sister’s answer? Why don’t you give her a second and hear what she’s saying?”
That way, you provide an example to your other kids so they can learn to say, “You’re not listening.”
If your kids don’t stop arguing, you can also say:
“I’m tired of this bickering. This conversation will end in sixty seconds, and if you continue, you’re going to your rooms.”
At first, the child who’s the know-it-all might get more obnoxious, but follow through with the consequences, and he will learn how to stop. Give them the responsibility to stop the argument in sixty seconds; if they don’t, hold them accountable. In this way, they learn to meet the responsibility of stopping the argument. In short, they learn to behave in a socially appropriate manner.
Conclusion
Remember, you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to. And although it’s important that kids feel they’re being heard and responded to, that doesn’t give them the right to be obnoxious and argue a point forever.
We can debate about many things, but as parents, it’s our responsibility to make the rules and determine what is and isn’t appropriate behavior. The truth is we all have opinions about our teachers, our bosses, and our leaders. Nevertheless, as we mature, we learn to separate our opinions from our ability to function in a society with rules. And this is an essential lesson for kids to learn.
Related Content:
How to Walk Away From a Fight With Your Child
Fighting with Your Teen? What to Do After the Blowout 7 Steps to Defuse the Tension
About James Lehman, MSW
James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation®, The Complete Guide to Consequences™, Getting Through To Your Child™, and Two Parents One Plan™, from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.
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What can I do
I hear from many
parents who describe similar situations where their child will not leave the
room, and will continue to follow the parents around in order to continue the
argument. You are not alone in this situation. As pointed out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-walk-away-from-a-fight-with-your-child-why-its-harder-than-you-think/,
if your son refuses to leave the room or tries to continue the argument with
you after you have set a limit, it tends to be most effective to stop
communication with him until he is calm. Although I recognize that this
can feel like he is “winning” in the moment, you have the power to hold him
accountable later if needed. In addition, it’s hard when it feels like
your other son is being punished due to your 13 year old’s behavior.
Something you might consider is setting up incentives or special activities for
your other son that are not dependent on your 13 year old’s cooperation, if he
is losing out on an activity due to his brother’s behavior. Please let us
know if you have any additional questions. Take care.
My 12 year ols son is otherwise very quiet , shy , non-social kind , but when it comes to playing on PS3 or War Of Thunder on desk top ,he becomes kind of aggressive, defiant and argumentative to the extent of being disrespectful and rude to me.He doesn’t have a bunch of friends and wouldn’t do small sacrifices that is required to win friends. How do I handle him ? It hurts me to see him lonely .I tell him that such virtual games will suck his enthusiasm and energy , and drive further awy from circle of actual friends.
Please Guide,
Thanks
There are many types of people
in this world. There are social, outgoing people who seem to draw people to
them, and there are quiet and shy people who are content with a friend or 2 or
being alone for the most part. Either way, both these type of people are normal
and one is not necessarily better than the other, they are just different.
Considering your son is quiet and shy, it is not surprising he does not have a
large friend circle. That is ok. If he is complaining that he does not have
friends, that is another story. That is when it would be helpful to have
conversations about different things he can do or say to make friends. Also, if
your son is playing games online, that is a big social connection nowadays.
While it may seem like he is spending time alone and not being social when he
is playing games, it is actually just the opposite. He is most likely connected
with many peers who have the same interests and who are enjoying their social
time together. I hope this helps to ease your concern. Thank you for writing
in. Take care.
I don’t want her to lose confidence but at the same time I want her to be cordial and show respect to her friends
I hear your concern. The behavior you describe is not
uncommon. Your daughter is young and hasn’t yet had a lot of experience in
social situations. It may be helpful to talk with your daughter whenever
the teachers make you aware of an incident. You can problem solve with her ways
she could respond more appropriately to teachers and peers. You could also role
play different scenarios. Rest assured, your daughter will develop these skills
as she gets older. You can help her with that by following the suggestions in
the above article. James has some other suggestions for helping a child
develop social skills in his article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/good-behavior-is-not-magic-its-a-skill-the-3-skills-every-child-needs-for-good-behavior/. Best of luck to you and your daughter moving forward. Take care.
So does anyone know what is going
Thank you for writing in. You make a great point that
when kids act out and do not follow the house rules, it often affects siblings
as well as parents. I hear how much you want to help your mom to address
the behavior you are seeing with your siblings, and get them to follow
directions the first time. Because this site focuses on coaching parents
directly, we might not be the best resource for you. Another option for
you might be to contact the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000 or by
visiting http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/Pages/home.aspx
They have trained counselors who can help you to navigate issues like sibling
fighting, or family conflict. They also offer the option of answering
questions via email, text and live chat if that feels more comfortable for
you. You can find information on these options by visiting their
website. I recognize how challenging this must be for you, and I wish you
and your family all the best moving forward. Take care.
Thank you so much for the message I will have a look now it’s just been going on for so many years now it’s not funny and I want to be able to help her before I move away I am in Queensland and I am moving to nsw to be with my partner and start a new life/journey and try for kids myself
Hi there, thanks for your question! At 5 years old, it is
completely normal for your daughter to be telling you she is right and you are
wrong, and there are any numbers of reasons for her to be saying that. The key
for you, though, will be to not engage in a power struggle with her.If you tell her something and she proceeds to
say you are wrong, I would encourage you to let it go and not respond. When you
continue to respond, it can become a game for her, until you stop responding.
Best of luck as you continue to work on this with your daughter.
You bring up an interesting point. It can be frustrating when
your adult child seems to challenge everything you say. Truthfully, he does
have the right to his own opinions, even if those opinions differ from your
own. So, instead of trying to change his opinions, you might instead focus on
where you have the most control, namely how you respond to the comments he
makes. Generally speaking, getting into an argument with him probably isn’t
going to be an effective way of responding. If he’s being rude and
disrespectful, you can say something to him like “It’s not OK to talk to me
that way. I don’t like it” and then walk away. You might even consider ignoring
any remarks he makes that appear to be aimed at pulling you into an argument. As
James Lehman points out in the above article, “You don’t have to attend every
argument you’re invited to.” We appreciate you writing in. Take care.
I hear you. Dealing with a teen’s attitude can tough to do. For
the most part, it’s usually more effective to ignore attitude and focus on
behavior, as outlined in the article http://www.empoweringparents.com/How-to-Deal-with-Teens-with-Attitude.php. It is going to be important to
differentiate between “attitude” and “disrespect”. Attitude usually has more to
do with demeanor, tone, and how something is said or done. Disrespect on the
other hand, is when a child insults or belittles another, or defiantly
refuses to do what he’s supposed to do. So, if your son is meeting expectations
and doing what he’s asked to do, you could probably ignore his attitude. If
he’s being disrespectful or defiant, by calling you names or refusing to meet expectations,
you would address those specific behaviors. For example, when your son
calls you “ignorant”, you can say to him something like “It’s not OK to talk to
me that way. I don’t like it” and then turn around and walk away. This is one
technique that Carole Banks suggests in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/do-you-personalize-your-childs-behavior-when-he-disobeys-you.php. I hope this information is
helpful. Be sure to check back if you have any further questions. Take care.